24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
