A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
