Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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