I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
