I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
