sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
