OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
