I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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