Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
