im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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