You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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