I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
