every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
im about as happy as oj after his trial
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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