if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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