My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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