You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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