he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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