dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
