i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
