btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
