Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
