Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
