Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
