Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
