is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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