I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
So apparently I’m into choking now
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
