just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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