i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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