Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
