I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
