I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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