he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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