Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
