even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
