I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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