he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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