Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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