Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
