Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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