Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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