dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
