I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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