life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Randomize
