i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
