just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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