I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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