She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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