census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
