I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
