Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Randomize
