Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
