rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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