i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
